PTSD and depression

I have post traumatic stress disorder and depression.

That does NOT mean I am weak, or that I am always miserable, and not worth knowing.

What it means is that traumatic events happened in my childhood that still have an affect on me in the present. I have days where I relive elements of the trauma, and and on those days I find it very hard to be a happy and sociable person. I have low self esteem issues and a critical inner voice that I sometimes find hard to ignore.

I am still a good person. I am kind and caring, and I love to laugh and have fun. I am strong; despite my past I am still here. I have a job. I have a husband and son that I love very much, and who love me back. I have friends who see past my hard outer shell and believe in me. I am lucky.

Why I am doing this.

I am in the process of healing from a painful past. While I'm not yet healed, I am making my way along the path to emotional health.

 There are times on this journey of self discovery that I lose my way, take a wrong turn, or fall down and tumble backwards. Eventually though, I always find my way again and keep going.

I have had many helpers along the way, giving me guidance and encouragement. Without them I would be completely lost, probably somewhere at the bottom of a rocky mountain, under a pile of rubble.

These guides have come in many forms; councillors, online friends, authors, and more recently real life friends. They each have helped me in a variety of ways. Sometimes helping me see the right path to take, or holding my hand to keep me steady as I travel over rough terrain. Other times singing happy tunes to lift my spirits, or sitting with me and holding my hand when I feel unable to go on.

I have decided to record my progress on the rest of this journey, in the hope that one day my words might help others on a similar path. I like to think maybe I could do for someone else what many have done for me.

 

I am

I am ...

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I am a lost and lonely girl
who's living in an adult world.
When people look they do not see
and never can they hear my plea.

I want to feel a mummy's love
as she surrounds me like a glove
and holds me safe away from harm
within her warm and loving arms.

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I am an angry teenage child
whose thoughts are far from meek and mild.
I hate the world, it hates me too,
and most of all...yes, I hate you!!

If you come close, I'll push away
because I know you will not stay.
A life unloved has been my fate,
for death to come I cannot wait.

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I am a woman with a son,
who wants to be a loving mum,
but voices fight within my mind
and peace I never seem to find.

The kids inside just will not quit
and in this life we don't all fit.
I thank my "mes" for all they've done
but now I'd like to be just one.

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