Impossible decisions

I am sitting here stuck at a metaphorical crossroads.

All I can see on each of the roads I could choose from is pain.

I could continue straight ahead, along the "therapy"path, focus on myself, get myself well, and one day in the future, if it's not too late, focus on saving the wreck that might still remain of my marriage.

I could turn back, stop therapy, push all emotions related to my childhood back into the abyss, fake happiness and focus 100% on keeping my husband and son happy, and in doing so sacrifice my chance of ever feeling truly at peace with who I am.

I could take a right, tell my husband I no longer want to be married to a man who judges me, and lacks the emotional capacity to support me in the incredibly scary and overwhelming task I am undertaking, of facing the pain that has been lurking inside me since I was 2 years old. This path means risking my son's world being flipped completely upside down and him being robbed of the safety and security he deserves, it also probably means ending therapy because as a single mum I would no longer be able to afford it.

A cross roads has 4 roads. I can't think of the 4th option. Maybe the option I am not thinking of is the one I am supposed to take, but what is it, and how do I find it?

Climbing a Mountain ... By Mel 8th October 2013

I’m climbing a mountain that no one can see

And there is no end in sight

The ground at my feet keeps crumbling

And nothing I do feels right.

 

The road I’m on seems endless

And I keep on getting lost

Each wrong step I take

Has some unaffordable cost.

 

I’m scared of where I’m going

But don’t want to be where I’ve been

I’m tired of always failing

And I’m tired of not being seen.

PTSD and depression

I have post traumatic stress disorder and depression.

That does NOT mean I am weak, or that I am always miserable, and not worth knowing.

What it means is that traumatic events happened in my childhood that still have an affect on me in the present. I have days where I relive elements of the trauma, and and on those days I find it very hard to be a happy and sociable person. I have low self esteem issues and a critical inner voice that I sometimes find hard to ignore.

I am still a good person. I am kind and caring, and I love to laugh and have fun. I am strong; despite my past I am still here. I have a job. I have a husband and son that I love very much, and who love me back. I have friends who see past my hard outer shell and believe in me. I am lucky.

Why I am doing this.

I am in the process of healing from a painful past. While I'm not yet healed, I am making my way along the path to emotional health.

 There are times on this journey of self discovery that I lose my way, take a wrong turn, or fall down and tumble backwards. Eventually though, I always find my way again and keep going.

I have had many helpers along the way, giving me guidance and encouragement. Without them I would be completely lost, probably somewhere at the bottom of a rocky mountain, under a pile of rubble.

These guides have come in many forms; councillors, online friends, authors, and more recently real life friends. They each have helped me in a variety of ways. Sometimes helping me see the right path to take, or holding my hand to keep me steady as I travel over rough terrain. Other times singing happy tunes to lift my spirits, or sitting with me and holding my hand when I feel unable to go on.

I have decided to record my progress on the rest of this journey, in the hope that one day my words might help others on a similar path. I like to think maybe I could do for someone else what many have done for me.

 

I am

I am ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a lost and lonely girl
who's living in an adult world.
When people look they do not see
and never can they hear my plea.

I want to feel a mummy's love
as she surrounds me like a glove
and holds me safe away from harm
within her warm and loving arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am an angry teenage child
whose thoughts are far from meek and mild.
I hate the world, it hates me too,
and most of all...yes, I hate you!!

If you come close, I'll push away
because I know you will not stay.
A life unloved has been my fate,
for death to come I cannot wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a woman with a son,
who wants to be a loving mum,
but voices fight within my mind
and peace I never seem to find.

The kids inside just will not quit
and in this life we don't all fit.
I thank my "mes" for all they've done
but now I'd like to be just one.

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